Uncomfortable with Grief?

Many years ago, it was common to experience major losses in younger years, even as children. Back then people lived and died at home, with several generations living together in the same house or neighborhood. Even the youngest children were around to see and experience the death of family members.

Children grew up watching how people cared for the elder generation unto death, the children felt the loss and grief and learned how the family mourned together, participated in the wakes and funerals in the home, and experienced how people supported each other in grief. 

Over time, the marvels of modern medicine led to people living longer. Our culture sharpened its focus on youthfulness and happiness. The creation of nursing homes, assisted living facilities, and skilled care placements transitioned older generations out of the family homes, and ultimately, into the rooms and places where elder generations live until they die. If an acute event happens, people are taken to the hospital to die.

These days people take pride in pulling up those bootstraps and “managing on my own” and “everything is fine”.  Adult children often move across the country and live their lives far from their families of origin. Wakes and funerals shifted from the family home to the funeral home, or to no service at all. If there is a service, children are (mistakenly) considered too young to understand or are “protected” from the funeral scene.

With all of this – the marvels of modern medicine and changes in our culture – many people do not experience major loss or grief until adulthood, or even into middle adult years. They have not seen how people grieve, mourn, and support each other in grief. Death and grief are hidden.

It’s no wonder that so many people encounter fear, confusion, and discomfort about grief. People often feel this way about the unknown. There is no one to blame or fault here. It’s just how things evolved.

If you are uncomfortable with grief, but still want to support someone who is grieving, we applaud your courage and commitment. Below are some suggestions on how to provide support.

How to support someone who is grieving

If you feel uncertain about grief, then seeking information is a good start. Below are some suggestions:

1. Show up.

Many grievers have shared their surprise when some “very good friends” suddenly avoided coming around or behaved as if the grief did not exist.

Other grievers noticed that several acquaintances really stepped up and provided sustaining support. These people ultimately became really good friends.

The difference? The acquaintances cared enough to show up. They called, texted, and checked in regularly. They offered comfort, support, and acceptance of the situation. They did not judge, and they did not try to “fix”. They showed up again and again. Be the person that shows up.

2.  Be present.

When you are with someone who is grieving, leave your other concerns at the door. You will want to focus your attention on the person who is grieving and be fully present with them.

If you can physically be there, you might do something simple together, perhaps sit in the sun, take a walk, or have some tea. Do not have an agenda, just follow their lead. Sometimes having someone nearby, caring and quietly available is comforting. If you cannot physically be there, you can still be present over the phone, facetime, or in other ways of communicating.

3.  Understand that each griever is the expert in their own grief.

This is similar to what we mentioned above – you can never fully understand what another person is feeling or going through.

If it feels appropriate, you might ask “What has this been like for you?”, and they may tell you. Be okay with tears, crying or sobbing. Recognize that, for the griever, things will never be the same as before their loved one died. Respect the courage it takes to tell you what it’s like for them.

Do not try to smooth it over or “make it better”. Do not use words to try and justify or “explain” what happened; this just minimizes or invalidates what they have shared with you.  Be a caring presence, let them know that you are there for them now and in the future.

4.  Engage your sense of empathy.

Empathy, or “putting yourself in someone else’s shoes”, helps to gain an appreciation of another’s experience and emotion. Remember that empathy is different from sympathy.

Psychology Today describes the difference: “Sympathy is feeling of concern for someone else, and a desire that they become happier or better off, while empathy involves sharing the other person’s emotions”.

Although it’s okay to be concerned and wish for someone to be happier, empathy involves being open and accepting of the emotions and experience and remaining present in the moment.  For someone who is grieving, empathy is more helpful than sympathy. When engaging your sense of empathy, please do so without judgement of the individual, experience, or emotions. Empathy without judgement can help another feel emotionally safe.

If you have previously experienced a major loss, engaging empathy might happen quite easily and naturally. You have been there. The saying “you don’t really know what it’s like until it happens to you” is often true. Just take care to remember that no one can ever fully understand another person’s grief. Everyone’s grief is unique because every relationship is unique.  You probably remember that this was true for you, too.

5.  Talk about their loved one.

Use their loved one’s name. Tell stories and share memories. If you never met the loved one, ask questions to learn about this very important person – allow the griever to share stories and memories, look at photos and mementos, enjoy getting to know more about their loved one.

6.  Recognize that grief does not end.

We don’t ever really “get over” grief and we don’t experience “closure”. We grieve for as long as we care about and love the individual who has died. The pain may soften over time, and we learn to live with the grief.

We also know that we can still become flooded with grief, even decades later. Certain events, times and special moments remind us again how deeply we miss our loved one. We wish that they were here to share in whatever we are doing at that time.  This is understandable and natural, reminding us that grief never really ends.

When wanting to support someone who is grieving, do not worry about being uncomfortable with grief.  Try following the suggestions above.

Still concerned? Call someone you trust and talk about it. Continue to read and learn about grief. You might read other posts, such as Grief’s Journey and Coping in Grief. You could also consider enrolling in a grief workshop or joining a virtual group to learn more.

Not your style or preference? Feel free to call us. We will talk it over with you. We are here to help.

Respectfully,

Julie B