Grief’s Journey

Grief is a journey. The metaphor speaks volumes. It suggests what grief typically is (i.e., a long meandering exploratory journey), and what grief definitely is not (i.e., not a quick trip to the grocery where minutes later, you’re out, done, and onto your next errand). Grief’s journey is part of life and a part of life’s journey. But in no way is grief a romantic notion – anyone who has ever grieved knows this.

When you’re in the thick of grief, it’s hard to see the journey’s path and that can be scary. Even the familiar feels foreign and unknown. Writing on the death of his wife, the first thing C.S. Lewis noted: “I never knew grief felt so like fear.” You might encounter obstacles that trip you up or even prevent you from moving forward without some help.

Is there anything that can help? Yes. Learning about grief is a good first step. By familiarizing yourself with what grief can “look” like, the many ways that different people experience grief, and what can influence grief, you will find a way of getting to know your own personal grief. And that’s the first step.

Characteristics of Grief

Grief is more than sadness. Ever changing and evolving, grief impacts all aspects of life. Grief will impact your emotional, physical, mental/cognitive, social, and spiritual self.  You will learn to recognize grief by paying attention to it, even as your grief changes and evolves.

Let’s look at this in more detail.

Grief involves feelings and emotions. You may feel deep sorrow and sadness, fear, regret, remorse, anger, love, confusion, numbness, anguish, despair, relief, just to name a few.  We don’t all experience the same emotions the same way because our grief is unique to what has happened, the person we loved and our relationship with them.

Grief is felt physically. For some, it’s tightness in the throat, sweaty palms, a giant void in the stomach, weak knees, and fatigue. Others have described pounding hearts, trembling or shaking, feeling cold and hollow, an inability to eat, trouble falling asleep or staying asleep. Take a moment to tune in to how your grief feels physically.

There are the mental challenges of grief: trouble concentrating, trouble making decisions, an inability to stay focused, short term memory loss, an inability to read or watch television, starting tasks and not finishing them. It is common to experience mental and cognitive challenges; they should improve with time.

Grief also impacts social aspects of life…you may find yourself dreading invitations or social events, not wanting to go out, not wanting to pick up the ringing phone. Or, perhaps no one is calling anymore. You might question your identity or feel uncertain how to answer questions that others consider regular small talk. Or you might simply not feel like being around others. Grief can impact you socially.

Finally, the spiritual challenges…We know that spirituality can mean a lot of different things to different people. One person’s spirituality might involve nature and energy and be totally devoid of religion, another person’s spirituality might fully involve religion and their religious faith.  Yet a common thread in most spiritual belief systems involves purpose and meaning. With purpose and meaning, tough questions arise when you are trying to make sense of things: “How is this possible?” “How can this happen to such a good person?” “Am I being punished?” “Why him/her/me?” “What if….” You often do not know the answers and cannot find the answers. And that is hard.  Really hard.  

Factors that can Influence Grief

If you talk with others who are grieving, you will find that not everyone experiences grief the same way. There are many factors that influence grief. Here are just a few:

Your relationship with the person who died. The relationship you had with the person who died will influence your grief experience. Did you have a close relationship with the person who died? Or perhaps the relationship was rocky? Did you depend on the individual for emotional or other types of support? Siblings often grieve very differently for the same parent because the relationship with that parent is unique with each sibling.  

The circumstances of the death. A sudden, unexpected or accidental death can influence a person’s grief and their grieving process. A death that occurred after a long slow decline might feel differently than an unexpected death. Perhaps a “loss” of an individual was felt and grieved when a disease process changed their personality or ability to remember you, and then a second grief followed when this person’s body physically died. Stigma associated with the death or how a person died can also influence grief.

Your age at the time of the death. A common saying in grief is “if you are old enough to love, then you are old enough to grieve.” Very young children develop attachments and grieve when those attachments are lost. Children grieve differently than adults, and it’s normal for grieving children to regress in behaviors, repeat questions, or have stints of playing in between talking about the loss. If you were young at the time of an important death, you will grieve at that time, but you might also grieve in the future as your reach various milestones (weddings, graduations, etc).

The age of the person who died. When children die before their parents do, it can feel “out of order”. You might grieve the future that the child might have had, and the relationship and special times you were looking forward to having with them. This is true when young children die, and also when adult children die. Perhaps it was not your child who died, but a close friend that seemed too young to die. You will likely grieve a lost future with them, too.

Your support system. A good support system can help tremendously with someone who is grieving, but not everyone has this kind of support available to them. For those who don’t, it is important to find someone who can provide you with the support you need. A grief counselor can serve this role well.

Other factors. Culture, multiple losses, previous experiences with death, your personality and many other factors will also influence your grief. Each of these influences are important considerations when thinking about how your grief is evolving on this journey.

Reflect on Your Grief

Learning about grief’s common characteristics and things that can influence grief can help you identify and recognize your own grief. What are some of the characteristics and influencers of your grief? Take some time throughout the next few days to recognize and identify some of the characteristics of your unique grief. Write them down. Take notes. At this point of your grief journey, what does your grief look like?

Getting to know your own grief can help you feel less startled by what often feels like unusual and uncontrollable reactions. It’s important to allow yourself to grieve, and getting to know your grief will help you learn how to cope while allowing yourself the time and space to grieve.   

Through these blogs and other conversations, we will continue discussing the grief journey. We will talk about coping, self-care, and other ways of managing our grief. We will talk about more difficult issues, too. When ready, you will begin walking this path of grief. Take your time. There is no timeline for grief.  

And please, feel free to give us a call or send us an email. Come and talk with us. You don’t have to go through this alone.

Respectfully,

Julie

Lewis, C. S. A Grief Observed. London: Faber & Faber, 1968.