Grieving Special Days and Holidays

Living with grief can be difficult. The sadness, the aching, the dread – for some it feels like a hole in the gut and for others like your heart is broken into a thousand pieces. Some days you might feel like you are “doing okay” whereas other days are a moment-to-moment struggle.

When special days or holidays approach, the anticipation alone can intensify your feelings. Regularly celebrated holidays like New Year’s, Valentine’s Day, the 4th of July, Memorial Day Weekend, Veteran’s Day, Thanksgiving can magnify the fact that your loved one is not present and intensify your feelings of grief and loss. Anticipating “Special Days” such as birthdays or anniversaries (or any other date especially meaningful between you and your loved one) can also be difficult. Also included here are “Dates of Acknowledgement” such as the date of diagnosis, for example, or the date of the death or funeral.

What to do when special days and holidays approach and you start to feel anxious or overwhelmed about the upcoming date? Try the following suggestions:  

1.    Give yourself permission to grieve. It is okay to grieve your loss, and it is okay to miss your loved one. In fact, it makes sense that you would miss them and grieve their absence during holidays, special days and dates of acknowledgement. Allow yourself to feel and express your sadness and other feelings – and consider various ways of remembering and honoring your loved one on these dates.   

2.    Have a plan. When dealing with difficult anticipation, it helps to think ahead and have a plan, and a back-up plan (in case the original plan is just not working). Plans help to create a sense of predictability and control, and that is important right now.  Grief expert David Kessler calls it a Plan A and a Plan B. For example, Plan A is you go to the Christmas dinner with family and friends, you’ll take your own car so that you feel more control over your ability to stay or go, and don’t feel “trapped”.

Then, if you go, but it’s not feeling right (you know the feeling, like you just have to get out of there), you will have your plan B ready. Plan B may be that you leave the party and go home, put on your slippers, make a hot chocolate and light a candle for your loved one, watch a movie that you and your loved one enjoyed, or spend some quiet time paging through a photo album of memories with your loved one.

Many people find that when they have Plan B in place, they can get through Plan A; just knowing that Plan B is there and available is enough.

3.    Give yourself permission to say “No”. Grief can be all encompassing, and the fatigue can be enormous. It is extremely important right now to take care of yourself and simply saying no or politely declining, or even leaving early is all okay.

4.    Take care of yourself. Get regular exercise (even if just a daily walk or daily stretch), try to eat well, and get plenty of rest. Pace yourself. Limit your expectations of what you “should” do. Right now, it’s important to take care of you.   

5.    Try doing the holiday or special day in a new way. Think about what parts of these days you enjoy and what parts you don’t. Remember, there is no right or wrong way to handle the holidays or other special days in grief. You must decide what is right for you and then give yourself permission do it your way. And then, you have every right to change your mind.

6.    Use your loved one’s name.  Often, people around you know about your loss, but are afraid to talk about it, because they don’t want to upset you. Or perhaps you don’t say anything, because you don’t want to upset them. It can be so hard to try and figure out.

Let people know that it’s okay to talk about your loved one by talking about them yourself. Say your loved one’s name often, tell stories, you might even laugh at the memories. Remembering your loved one by using their name and talking about them is one way of honoring them.

7.    Give yourself permission to feel good, to laugh, to enjoy.  All of our feelings are normal human responses. Allow yourself to feel your all of your feelings without guilt, and without judgment. Feelings are not good or bad, they are simply your feelings.

8.    Some people decide to cancel the holiday or special day altogether. Yes, you can cancel a holiday or special day celebration. If you are going through the motions in preparation and feeling like it’s all wrong, then feel free to cancel them. Take a year off. They will come around again. People do that, and it’s okay.

However, if you decide to cancel a holiday or special day, have a plan for what you will do instead. In fact, have two plans, just in case (see #2, above).

9.    For other people, staying involved with the holidays feels better to them. If this is you, then let the holiday or special day routine give you a framework during these difficult times.

10.  Take time for yourself. If you feel like being alone or just being with your immediate family, honor those feelings. And honor the feelings of others in your family. Everyone grieves differently, and they may express different needs for themselves.

During the holidays, there are many ways that you can honor your loved one’s memory. Below are just few examples of ways to honor the memory of your loved ones during special days, holidays, or days of acknowledgement. Read on and see if any of them appeal to you:

• Make a dish that they made, or a dish that they loved

• Light a candle for your loved one (if real candles are worrisome, try a battery-operated flickering candle)

• Put a single fresh flower in a place of honor in your home or at the table

• Say a prayer before the holiday or special day dinner in remembrance of your loved one, or simply take time to say a few words acknowledging your loved one’s absence

• Share a favorite story about your loved one, and ask everyone tell a funny story about your loved one

• Retell your loved one’s favorite joke or share your loved one’s favorite sayings

• At your place of worship remember them in a prayer

• Create an online tribute for your loved one

• Do something they loved to do – did he enjoy reading “The Night Before Christmas” to the children? Read to the children in his honor. Did she bake bread or help serve a holiday dinner to the less fortunate? Volunteer to help serve a meal at the local shelter.

• Make a donation in memory of your loved one to a charity or a cause that they cared about.

In summary, know that it is natural to feel like you may never enjoy the holidays or special days again. If your loved one was present for most holidays or special days, it is true that those days may never seem the same as before. That does not mean that these days cannot be good again. In time, you can find meaning and peace during these days.

Be patient with yourself and take care of yourself. Know that we are here for you.

Respectfully,

Julie B