Anticipatory Grief
(Note: I often refer to loss as the death of a loved one, but grief and loss can also involve many types of losses. For example: loss of a relationship, loss of marriage, loss associated with work and jobs, loss of a loved one who is present physically but not present mentally or emotionally, loss of someone who has disappeared from your life, loss of an animal, among other losses).
We often talk about the grief that happens after a loved one dies. Today I thought it might be helpful to talk about the grief we feel when we learn that someone we love is going to die. Anticipatory grief (sometimes called pre-death or pre-loss grief) is a special category because it involves the grief that we feel when we anticipate an impending loss or death. In one sense, it feels like we are grieving a major loss before the loss actually occurs - perhaps we try imagining what life will be like after the loss occurs (too difficult to imagine?). We might also be grieving the many smaller losses that occur often weeks, months or years prior to the actual death of our loved one.
Anticipatory grief is often felt by the loved ones of someone who has been told that time is limited or the prognosis is terminal. It is important to note, however, that anticipatory grief can also be felt by the person who received the time limited prognosis (that is, the person who is dying).
Although anticipatory grief is different from “regular grief” in a lot of ways, a person may feel similar feelings as in regular grief. You may feel sadness, fear, confusion, guilt, and helplessness. You might also experience anxiety, panic, anger, loneliness, and depression.
You may find yourself face to face with the reality that the death of your loved one is only a matter of precious time. You may begin to grieve a future that you are realizing will not be as you’d once planned. You might grieve how things are changing in your relationship and wish things could be as they were before. You may also grieve your loved one’s experience, including their pain or suffering.
On its own, any one of these feelings can seem all-consuming. When they come simultaneously or in rapid fire succession, it can be overwhelming. Couple that with a situation in which you feel little to no control over the outcome, it is understandable that you find yourself in an ocean of despair.
What can you do?
Anticipatory grief is really, really hard. For many people, anticipatory grief will not lessen the grief that occurs following the death, but it may afford you a window of opportunity to do some things that you might not have otherwise done. It will take conscious effort, and may not be easy, but you may be grateful in the future for the conscious effort.
Below are some things to consider. For example, this may be a good time…:
…for you and your loved one to address any unresolved issues in your relationship. For example, you might try to right some wrongs, to offer forgiveness or reassurance, and to express gratitude. You can say important things to each other such as “I love you”, “thank you”, “please forgive me”, and “I forgive you” (for a good read on this topic, see the book The Four Things that Matter Most by Ira Byock*).
…for you and your loved one to spend time in meaningful ways. Sometimes the smallest normal thing becomes a treasure newly appreciated – laughing together as you watch your favorite sitcom, looking through photo albums and recalling memories, brushing her hair, or holding his hand.
…for taking stock and legacy sharing – these are those stories that your loved one tells of their childhood, or life lessons learned, or memories to be passed down. This may be an opportunity for reviewing photos, recording their voice, and writing down their stories to share with siblings, children, grandchildren or future grandchildren, and others.
…for learn from your loved one some of the things that your loved one may have cared for – changing the furnace filter or balancing the checkbook, locating passwords and important documents and what to do with those items in the future.
…to ask your loved one about their preferences and wishes during their last months, weeks, days, or even hours, and what they might wish for at their funeral. Because this conversation can be difficult, know that there are people who are trained and available to help you with these conversations. For more information, contact your local hospital, hospice, or senior center. Or contact us.
…to say “yes” to support from friends and family and to say “yes” to counseling. Friends and family want to help; in fact, you may be helping them by accepting their offer to help you. Also, many people are surprised at how helpful it is to have an “outside” individual to talk with - a grief counselor or grief therapist - during times of anticipatory grief and during grief following a death or loss. A grief counselor is someone with whom you can share your personal feelings and concerns, who has specific expertise with grief and loss, and who you do not have to worry about upsetting.
Our friends at What’s Your Grief have put out a handy little booklet from where some of these ideas came; if you’d like your own copy, you can find how to get it here. (I’m not receiving royalties, it’s just a good little resource to pass along!).
Would you like more information? Are you ready to schedule an appointment? Feel free to contact us.
We are here for you.
Respectfully,
Julie
*Byock, Ira. (2014). The four things that matter most: A book about living. Atria Books, New York, NY.
