The Grief of Miscarriage

Grieving mothers and fathers

Parents experiencing the death of a child through miscarriage suffer intense grief over the loss of their child.  Many describe feelings of deep sorrow, confusion, anger, guilt, and fear.  Others report trouble falling asleep or staying asleep, have difficulty concentrating or making decisions, experience a loss of appetite, show lack of interest in their usual activities and other various symptoms of anxiety and depression.  

In their grief, parents suffer intense longings for their child, they weep over lost hopes, dreams, and expectations of nurturing and raising their child. They wonder how their child might have looked, or how they might have laughed. They yearn to hold and comfort the child. They grieve the future that their child will never have.

While the focus is often on the mother in miscarriage, it is important to recognize that the father of the child also is experiencing the loss. Fathers may grieve differently or have a different grieving style from the mother, but this does not mean that fathers feel less pain or grieve less. Indeed, fathers often grieve intensely and long-term (6) and may welcome the opportunity to share their emotions or talk about how the experience of miscarriage has affected them (5).

“Norms of silence” and lack of support

All too often, parents experiencing the death of a child through miscarriage rarely feel free to talk about their loss openly. In western society a “norm of silence” is often maintained in the first few months of pregnancy, and that norm is then carried forward if the child dies through miscarriage (4). If the news of the pregnancy is not shared by the parents, then the news of the miscarriage is also less likely to be shared.

If parents do share their news, there is risk that they will receive insensitive responses from “well-intentioned” people (including some healthcare providers). Parents report hearing statements such as, “You can always have another”, “It just wasn’t your time”, or “It’s probably better off this way”. These responses invalidate parents’ feelings and minimize the death of their child.

Parents may also perceive these remarks as suggesting that this child’s death is less significant than other deaths. This is not true for many parents: this child was as important to them as any other child.

Some parents do quietly share their news with a friend or family member and are surprised to learn how often others respond that they, too, had suffered their own miscarriages. This experience can be validating and help grieving parents to learn that they are not alone.

How to help

Family, friends, co-workers, and healthcare providers can help grieving parents feel supported in several ways. When visiting with grieving parents, consider these suggestions:

• Remain open to the parents’ experience and invite them to share what the loss means to them

• Take time to listen, be present, and refrain from offering advice or trying to “fix” the situation

• Validate their identity and experience as grieving parents and validate the loss of their child

• Recognize that grieving differently does not mean someone is grieving less

• Encourage and attend traditional rituals that allow parents and loved ones to publicly grieve and mourn the death of the child.

Recognizing and honoring the grief and the loss can help parents feel less alone during this difficult time in their lives.

If you or someone you know has experienced the loss of a child through miscarriage, know that help and support is available. Seek out that support. Schedule time with a grief counselor or a therapist who specializes in grief. Attend a grief support group. Advocate to change the norms of silence.

You do not have to go through this alone.

 Julie

(1)   Mayo Clinic (2019, July 16). Miscarriage – Symptoms and causes. https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/pregnancy-loss-miscarriage/symptoms-causes/syc-20354298.

(2)   Center for Disease Control and Prevention. (2021, March 2). Births and natality. https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/fastats/births.htm.  

(3) Carolan, M., & Wright, R. J. (2017). Miscarriage at advanced maternal age and the search for meaning. Death Studies, 41(3), 144-153.

Mcgee, K., PettyJohn M. E., & Gallus, K. L. (2018). Ambiguous loss: A phenomenological exploration of women seeking support following miscarriage. Journal of Loss and Trauma, 23(6), 516-530.

Porschitz, E. T., & Siler, E. A. (2017). Miscarriage in the workplace: An autoethnography. Gender, Work and Organization, 24(6), 565-578.

Randolph, A. L., Hruby, B. T., & Sharif, S., (2015) Counseling women who have experienced pregnancy loss: A review of the literature. ADULTSPAN Journal, 14(1), 2-10.

(4) Hiefner, A. R. (2020). “A silent battle”: Using a Feminist approach to support couples after miscarriage. Journal of Feminist Family Therapy, 32, pp. 57-75.

(5) Brown, J. (2018). Men and miscarriage: An insider’s story from the outside. Reflections: Narratives of Professional Helping, 24(2), 26-30.

(6) Martinez, A.M, Castiglione, S., Dupuis, F., Legault, A., Proulx, M.C., & Carnevale, F. (2021). Having therapeutic conversations with fathers grieving the death of a child. OMEGA – Journal of Death and Dying, 84(4), 609-622.