Grief and Guilt
“My wife, Jacy, had been sick for quite a while. Her continuous pain and delicate condition required constant care and commitment. Many sleepless nights were spent tending to her needs and working to ease her condition. Days, weeks, months – it required time, care, effort, stress, and stamina to work to make her comfortable. The day that Jacy died, she had suffered…the pain showed through and then she slipped away. Why did I not try harder? Why could I not find a way to help her? Why could I not ease her suffering? On top of feeling the sorrow and loss of my loved one, I am having a hard time and blaming myself for not being able to help her leave the world in a better way.” - a grieving spouse
Searching desperately for answers, we often take on blame when something devastating happens. Does this mean you are guilty? Not necessarily. More likely, it means you care.
What is guilt?
Guilt, especially in grief, is a natural emotional response that often stems from feelings of love or a sense of responsibility.
For example, we sometimes feel guilt…
when we make a promise to our loved one that we cannot or chose not to keep.
when we do something that conflicts with our original intention or expectation.
when it occurs to us that we could have done something differently or better.
when we were irritable, impatient, or simply not paying attention.
when we did not take an opportunity to say things we wanted to say.
Feelings of guilt are private, uncomfortable, sometimes distressing, and they naturally arise when reflecting on our own thoughts or behaviors in relation to something terrible that has happened.
Importantly, guilt is a universal feeling, which means you are not alone. People experience feelings of guilt because it is a normal part of being human.
Types of Grief Guilt
Guilt can develop under several circumstances, and people who are grieving tend to gravitate toward certain types of guilt. It is important to carefully consider whether the guilt is reasonable or accurate. Sometimes it is, and sometimes it isn’t. Grief expert Alan Wolfelt shared some common types of grief guilt:
“What If” or “If only” Guilt: the guilt felt when you question or wonder if you could have done more, or didn’t do enough, or should have done something differently.
Survivor Guilt: guilt that some grievers feel because they continue living after a person has died.
Relief Guilt: guilt about a sense of relief felt when a long period of suffering has ended.
Joy Guilt: guilt about experiencing a moment of joy or happiness even though someone has died.
Magical Thinking Guilt: guilt for having wished at some point during the deceased person’s life that that person would suffer/go away/die or that the relationship would be over.
These guilt types indicate deep caring about a loss, but what purpose does guilt serve?
The purpose of guilt
In society, guilt is considered a useful emotion or a “check in” of sorts. Very simply, guilt prompts people to reflect on what has happened and decide whether “a wrong” has been committed.
People often assume if they feel guilt, then they must be guilty of a wrongdoing. This is an incorrect assumption. It’s important to look rationally at the evidence and decide whether a wrong has been committed.
If you ponder the evidence rationally and decide a wrong has not been committed, you can simply allow yourself to let go of the guilt and move on.
If you ponder the evidence rationally and decide that, yes, you have done something wrong, then you can choose to do something about it – you can try to repair or amend the wrong. Once reparations or amends are made, you allow yourself to let go of your guilt and move on.
How do I repair or amend a wrong when my loved one had died?
Some people assume that once a person has died you cannot make amends, but this is not necessarily true. There are a number of ways you could make amends or repair a wrong. Below are a couple examples:
Apologize to your loved one. Even if your loved one has died, you can still apologize to them. First, think about what you specifically want to say in your apology to your loved one. You might consider writing a letter to them. Next, go to a place that is meaningful where you feel close to your loved one - perhaps at their gravesite or where their ashes are placed or a favorite park. While there, say your apology aloud or read your letter to them, and then spend some quiet time there in remembrance.
Do something in your loved one’s honor. You might finish a project that your loved one was unable to finish or participate in a fundraiser of their favorite charity. Whatever you do, do it with a sincere heart, knowing that they would love whatever it is that you are doing in their honor.
Make a Living Amends. This involves thinking about the thing you did wrong and how you would do it differently, and then resolve to do it differently thereafter. For example, grief expert David Kessler tells the story of a woman who had an argument with her brother and, when her brother tried calling, she chose not to answer the phone. Before speaking with him again, he died. The woman was left feeling profound guilt. Kessler reported her way of making a living amends is to always answer the phone when someone she loves calls after a fight.
When to seek help
Guilt is a common feeling when grieving the loss of a loved one. However, grievers who are feeling guilty often keep their feelings to themselves and suffer tremendously in silence and isolation. This can be detrimental to their well-being since grievers need connection and support to heal. How do you know when it is time to get help from a professional therapist or counselor?
If you do not feel like you can share your concerns with anyone in your personal support system, then consider seeking support from a professional therapist or counselor to help you with your feelings. The benefit of a professional therapist is that they are not personally connected to your situation, and therefore can be more objective in their assessments. You can say what you really feel without having to worry about hurting them or protecting them. In fact, they are there for you with kindness and compassion, and without judgement. Professional therapists are also bound by law to keep what you tell them confidential (with specific exceptions).
Other reasons to seek professional support: If you are struggling in your grief, feeling very alone, having trouble with sleep or are sleeping too much, feeling depressed or anxious, feeling like things are not getting better or are getting worse, if you are having panic attacks, feeling traumatized, having thoughts of harming yourself or another person, or having thoughts of killing yourself, then please contact a professional therapist or counselor about how you are feeling.
Guilt is a natural emotional response that can lead to unnecessary suffering if not attended to. If you need help managing your feelings of guilt or simply want someone to talk with, seek professional support. You do not have to go through this alone.
Respectfully,
Julie B.
