Coping in Grief

Someone once told me that the most difficult part of their grief was trying to figure out where their loved one went. Yes, we are aware that our loved one died, but…where did they go? How could this person who was so alive, so full of life, love, personality, humor, intention – how could they simply be gone? It baffles the mind. When we think of our loved ones who have died, who we miss so dearly, we may feel nauseated, unable to focus, and unable to breathe.  

It’s a direction that in certain instances we just can’t let ourselves go. We may have commitments that must be kept (e.g., picking children up from school), we may be in a situation where it would be detrimental to fall apart (e.g., driving a car), or we simply do not have the emotional capacity to process this part of our grief right now. It is situations like these where a coping strategy can help someone who’s grieving make it through.

Coping strategies can help you manage when grief becomes overwhelming. You might use them in preparation for upcoming events or known difficult days (birthdays, holidays, anniversaries). Coping strategies can also help you prepare as you purposefully lean into your grief and explore difficult feelings and memories.

Many coping strategies exist, and not every coping strategy works for every person. It’s important to find coping strategies that work for you. Below are a few examples of coping skills and strategies to consider:

Breathing. Many breathing strategies have been developed for coping.  You can search the internet for the multiple varieties available. Find calming breathing strategies that work for you and practice them when you don’t need them – practicing will help you be ready when you do need to use this skill.  When you are feeling really helpless or overwhelmed by grief, try to remember that the only thing you really need to do is to breathe.

Crying. Crying is a useful coping strategy for many who grieve. Crying expresses emotion and relieves tension. The act of crying and the tears produced generate positive physiological effects (which may explain why many people feel better after crying). Crying is a healthy and common response in grief. Allow yourself to feel what you are feeling. Let the tears fall.

Maintain a routine. After a loss, things often feel chaotic (one person described it like their whole world had been blown apart). Maintaining a regular routine can help provide a sense of predictability and control. A regular routine should include going to bed and getting up at roughly the same time each day, eating healthy meals at regular intervals, engaging in some form of daily exercise, participating in at least one other form of daily self-care, and checking in or talking with at least one other individual on a regular basis.

Utilize your personal support system.  In his book Understanding Your Grief, Alan Wolfelt suggested that the people in your life will likely fall into one of three categories when you’re grieving: about a third of the people in your life will be people who are understanding, empathetic, and helpful as you grieve; another third will be neutral – they will neither help nor harm your grieving process; and the final third will not be helpful – these people may provide unhelpful advice, tell you to “get over it”, or may even avoid you (or your loss) altogether. Identify the people in the first group and utilize them as your support system: share your story, use your loved one’s name (often!) and reminisce, and invite these people into your life as much as possible.

Learn about grief. Learning about grief can help with developing coping strategies. Read books, biographies, and memoires. Talk with a grief counselor/therapist, attend support groups, sign up for a grief workshop. You will learn that short term memory loss, trouble making decisions and inability to concentrate is common. You may learn that other people also leave their loved one’s shoes by the door (and it’s okay), or that many people still talk to their deceased loved ones on a daily basis (and that’s okay, too). You may also make some new friends in the process. 

As grievers, we know of the importance of knowing your grief, leaning into your grief, of walking through your grief and not avoiding it. Yet in certain situations, when you just cannot go there, you can manage by using a coping strategy. A word of caution…Do not try to use coping strategies to avoid grief for extended periods – it won’t work. Grief will find its way out, often in troubling ways. Also, using alcohol and drugs as a coping mechanism will seriously hinder the grieving process and may be harmful to your health.

Above are five basic coping strategies, and there are many more out there. We will talk about additional coping strategies in future blogs.

In the meantime, give us a call or send us an email. Come and talk with us. We are here for you. You don’t have to go through this alone.

Respectfully,

Julie B

Wolfelt, A.D. Understanding your grief: Ten essential touchstones for finding hope and healing your heart. Companion Press, 2004.